TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But yes, sure, let us have A different area where American Guys can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: provide All people a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It's that he should cease applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the task, replied, "You know, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from Place, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which guests might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is already attracting awareness from international traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where by my PTSD can have flip-down support."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark Trump Tower Damascus a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It required a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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